Hello + welcome to this tiny space on the internet! I created this blog (+ changed the name twice since) 13 years ago as a creative outlet from my career in the emergency room as a PA. After spending the past 7 (or so) years on social media outlets, I have decided to delete all of the ones associated with this blog and get back to the heart of blogging.
A topic that isn’t talked about enough.
Depression in pregnancy.
I have (thankfully) never dealt with depression other than when related to hormonal changes of pregnancy and the post partum period but having gone through a really rough couple of months, I wanted to open up about it here because I believe so many others feel the same but don’t want to come forward about it. I am writing this in hopes of helping just one other person navigate their way through growing another life…
My first pregnancy was relatively uncomplicated and I actually seemed to regulate my hormones relatively well throughout the 1st, 2nd and 3rd trimesters. Once Liv was born however, things were a bit different. We had trouble breastfeeding for weeks, she was jaundice for 8 weeks and it led me to think I wasn’t the best mother I could be. Obviously, this thinking was beyond ridiculous but those were my feelings at the time and I became depressed for quite some time. On top of this was the nonstop colicky crying that encompassed our every evening from around 3 pm until 11/12. It was very, very, very tough to deal with and I shiver thinking back to those months. However, I made it out of those tough months with the help of close friends and family.
My second pregnancy was different than the first. The hormones hit me so hard in the first trimester that I swore I would never become pregnant again. Deep depression set in and honestly, I have absolutely NO idea why. We prayed for that second baby and she was our rainbow baby. But instead of elated, I was completely and utterly torn apart and depressed. It’s a very frustrating, helpless feeling ad I don’t wish it upon my worst enemy. It was hard for me to get out of bed and care for another child when all I wanted to do was sulk and sit in bed all day long. Thankfully the second I hit my second trimester, these feelings completely lifted and I was able to feel that happiness that I was longing to feel for so many months.
Now. This third time, has been my hardest. Both physically and emotionally. I was so excited with the hopes of conceiving a third miracle and once we found out we were pregnant I was ecstatic. So happy to be growing our family by one more….
That is until I hit about 6 weeks. I started becoming very ill. So nauseous that it was hard to keep myself upright. I never had the relief of vomiting (except for a few times, in which case I actually felt better) but mostly have been suffering from debilitating nausea. Worse than my previous two pregnancies for sure. But worse than that? The emotional aspect of the first trimester. I could not get myself out of the deep dark hole that I sat in on a daily basis. Constant thoughts of fear and darkness for no reason at all. I couldn’t be happy about anything in my life, even though I have everything I could have ever wanted for my life (and more).
There were days when I didn’t think I could make it through a day. I wished away each day, waiting for the next in hopes of feeling better. I’ve never in my life felt this way and in hind sight, it would have probably been worth it to see someone but I didn’t want to start medications and since I had a small taste of this with the last pregnancy, I wanted to wait it out.
I exercised as much as I could (2-3 times per week) and it honestly was the only thing that made my feel better, both mentally and physically. Now that I am here at 16 weeks, I can tell you that my nausea has lifted somewhat (although still debilitating at times) and my emotional being is in a much better place. I am able to wake up in the morning and have positive thoughts on tackling the day and I feel so absolutely blessed to be carrying another miracle within my womb.
Through my darkest days I always held onto the tiniest glimmer of hope. As long as you can find this glimmer of hope in each and every day, I truly believe that you can make it through anything. This glimmer can be in the form of a person, a thought, or a place. Something that is promising and allows you to feel like you have something to hang on to. Even for just a moment <3
This post is for those of you currently struggling with depression. Whether you’re pregnant, or not, I hope that this post gives you some hope.
I hope it gives you someone to relate to.
I hope it gives you someone you know you can talk to.
Coming forward and letting just one person know about the way you feel can be freeing. If you feel to need to talk to someone, know that you can talk to me. Even if we are strangers….
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” — Helen Keller