1. Mushka says:

    You are amazing. Thank you for being so open and honest about such an important topic. Pregnancy and birth is so utterly amazing and a new little life is such a blessing, people often forget what a strain it can put on the mother, mentally and physically.
    I wish you tons of rest, healing and strength with your beautiful family!
    xoxo

    • Shannon says:

      I’m in my first trimester and I’m struggling with depression bad right now. I feel nauseous all day and miserable. Hoping that it gets better soon.

      • Violeta Chinchilla says:

        it will get better, I am just passing my 12 weeks now and unlike my first pregnancy, now the nausea is gone and the sadness too. I actually was feeling worried about feeling so great every day. Hang it there sister, sending you loving light.

      • Tamara says:

        I am 7 weeks 2 days into my third pregnancy and I am becoming depressed. I’m nauseous but not only that I started a new job and I hate it. So I believe this brought on the negative thoughts and they’ve just spiraled out of control. I hate the weekends because it will bring fourth the week to begin. My 4 year old tries to give me happy juice. I am very appreciative for my life but right now it feels so dark.

        • Melissa says:

          Starting my 8th week 1st pregancy and in a weird way it is nice to see I am not the only one. I know what you mean about how you are feeling and work. I thought maybe it was another panic attack (I had one when I first started my new job in October) but it feels more like the aftermath of one. The depression.

          Reading this story, I am hoping, will help and remind me it WILL be better. And you will be happy again.

      • Rania says:

        Me too! I am 5 weeks pregnant and feeling so nauseous and depressed

      • Anna Sanders says:

        I am feeling the same. Let’s have hope that we will feel better soon. I don’t feel like I can tell anyone because I wanted this so bad. My husband doesn’t understand. Going to zumba helps, and I may make an appointment with a pregnancy counselor. I hope you feel better soon.

        • Kat says:

          I am 5 weeks and so depressed. I am already on medication as I’ve struggled in the past or I can’t imagine how it would be. I feel like the worst mom to my almost three year old. I feel lazy and short tempered. My husband just complains about how tired work makes him. Im scared this will last the whole pregnancy. I feel so guilty that I’m not happy.

          • Kara says:

            I feel the same way. I am 4 weeks and so incredibly depressed. I am a stay at home mom to my almost 3 year old daughter. I didn’t have depression during my daughters pregnancy. Just nausea the whole 9 months. I feel like I’m in the depths of such a dark place. Crying all the time. This is so hard.

      • T. says:

        I feel the same way and on top of that i worK every with a 4 year old my spouse thinKs im being extra.

    • El says:

      Thank you for sharing this. I’m in my first trimester now and have never felt so utterly depressed. Feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s good to know I’m not alone!

      • Nadia says:

        El, I am going through the same thing right now. I am 7 weeks along, and am struggling so much with nausea, lethargy and depression. I feel so alone, but it helps to read others’ experiences as yours. How are you these days?

        • Sally says:

          Hi Nadia,
          Have you been able to work through it all? I have been working but finding it difficult as regularly crying and feeling like I am lying to myself as I am pretending to smile and try to be positive. Would be interested to hear how you are managing?x

      • Ashley says:

        I’m also 4weeks pregnant. This is very much wanted baby will be my 5th child 8th pregnancy. My youngest child is 14 and the last time I was pregnant it was morning sickness for first 6months.but I’m only nauseaus this time around. I’ve been crying for no real reason for the past month off and on. I know that I’m not in my 20s anymore but 43 and pregnant is scary yet hopeful that it’s going to be okay

  2. I couldn’t love this more. This is such an important (and sadly, overlooked) topic. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety my entire life and being pregnant hasn’t helped it at all. I’m now 27 weeks along and the first 20ish were incredibly hard on me. Like you, this baby was very much planned and wanted and my husband and I were both so unbelievably happy when I got the positive pregnancy test. But the first half was so hard for me. Granted, it came at the same time as we were moving cross-country (3,000 miles away from family) and things like that, so it was already a stressful time for us. But it was a really rough few months and I found that not a whole lot of people really understood. I felt like I wasn’t even “allowed” to complain because my pregnancy has been so smooth and easy. But mentally, I was miserable. I still have days here and there where I struggle, but I’m now finally at a point where I’m excited and settled into our new home and really ready to embrace being a mom and adding to our family. My work outs and continuing to eat healthy have been the biggest help to me in staying balanced and feeling good so I’m hoping the rest of my pregnancy goes just as smoothly 🙂

    • Tina says:

      I am on my first trimrster and I cry uncontrollably for no reason some days. How do you deal with it. I try to isolate myself and cry alone so my partner won’t see me. He too gets sad to see me crying. He doesn’t know what to do. I feel isolation doesn’t help at all. At times I talk to women in my family to find support. I exercise 2 or 3 times a week too, but I don’t notice too much help from exercise. I try to eat healthy as much as possible.

      • Mary says:

        I am in my first trimester, I’m about 6 weeks, and I can’t believe how down I’m feeling. I have a good support system, great husband, am working out three to four times a week. I’m trying to “fake it til I make it” but I feel like I’m swimming upstream. Not sure if this makes sense but I’m scared this is going to get worse. And going through it in front of my husband makes it worse. Please say this got better for you?!

    • Samantha says:

      It was refreshing to hear your story. I’m in my first trimester (3rd baby) and I’ve had depression to the max. Don’t want to get out of bed, not only exhausted physically but emotionally even more. I’m crying all the time over I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT. Like you said , I’m going to try and hold on to hope and faith…because without it… I have nothing. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad I’m not alone.

  3. Chelsea says:

    Thank you for so much for posting this. I am pregnant with my second, not planned, my first isn’t even a year old yet and although I was sick with my first with the same dibilitating neausea you spoke about until 16 weeks, mentally I was excited and knew I would get over the hump soon. This time though is so different. I’ve still been insanely neausous and I’m in the thick of it at 11 weeks, but because we were so surprised with this news, I haven’t been able to have it fully sink in and get excited about it. My husband is an optimist who says, “well think of all the people who are having trouble, this is great news and we’ll be done after this” which then makes me 1/2 feel guilty and half like of course you’re telling me this you feel fine and your body didn’t just recover from our first baby!!! I feel overwhelmed and anxious and sad and guilty as the weeks go by with my daughter and I am laying lifeless on the sofa battling through these days and weeks. It’s not fair to her and at times I don’t think it’s fair to me either. I really hope to be feeling better soon.

    • Tammy says:

      Chelsea, I went through almost exactly the same process- my husband even reacted very similarly. My first son was 15 months old when I found out that I was pregnant with number 2. They are 23 months apart which was WAY too close for comfort but I used my pregnancy as a time to work on accepting the situation (much much much easier once I stopped feeling terrible and could focus on eating right and exercising/meditating). How are you doing now?

    • Sarah says:

      Reading your posts has just made me feel hope that someone else has been in my position. I had a baby when I was 19 and i naturally took to being pregnant & being a mother. Years later i met my husband and we decided to have a baby luckily we had our baby in March 2017 she’s 6 months old. I found it hard to give up my career for the few months but felt it woukd be the better of us..I have since discovered I’m pregnant again and 11 weeks at that. This was not planned I’m cried for 2weeks .. I’m suffering with morning sickness all day and feel so low nothing excites me. I feel like I’m dragging myself around all day, I’ve lost interest in me, in my husband in the future . I feel so overwhelmed at the idea of having a 1 year old and new baby. We don’t have any help I’m really hoping that in the coming weeks the sickness will lift and I can feel happy and more positive again. I have everything but feel so lonely & disappointed I haven’t caught my breath yet

      • Sarah says:

        I am feeling so much better reading everyone’s responses. I have been feeling so sad. I have a beautiful 15 month old and am 8 weeks pregnant. I feel overwhelmed, excited, ungrateful, unappreciated, & so many emotions. I am on the verge of tears all the time. I have a great husband, but everything about him upsets me lately and I just hope it passes. I have never felt like this in my life and I feel like I should be over the moon but instead I am missing out on daily moments because I am wandering in the darkness, which just leads to me feeling worse and the cycle continues. I have so many wonderful blessings and I don’t know how to keep them in the forefront of my mind…. I hope these emotions subside soon. Thank you for posting in the first place and making me feel a little sense of normalcy knowing that others are going through similar things. I am so overwhelmed.

        • Rachel says:

          Hi Sarah,

          I am currently 8 weeks with a 15 month old and I could have written your comment about myself. This article and these comments are helping me feel I am not the only one going through this! How are you feeling now? Has the fog lifted for you yet? I am clinging on to the hope it will but it is hard to imagine ever feeling happy about anything again which is such a sorry dark place to be. xx

  4. Cait says:

    Thank you for sharing this! I learned so much! I am a new mom and definitely noticed myself feeling down during my first trimester. We planned for this baby and like you mentioned, I know I am truly lucky to live such an amazing life and felt so guilty that I wasn’t happy. I’ve obviously heard of postpartum depression but didn’t know it could occur DURING pregagncy! Thanks for opening my eyes to my own emotional health!

  5. thank you for sharing. i had no idea first trimester depression was actually a thing but after reading your post, i could totally relate.
    i really appreciate you!

  6. Samantha Oxtoby says:

    Thank you for sharing. This is my second pregnancy and my rainbow baby. I don’t remember feeling this way with my first but the fear of losing this baby too, add in that we are moving, I’m a full time student and my husband works alot. I just can’t seem to get motivated to do what I enjoy. I have constant nausea and exhaustion but I can’t tell if it’s pregnancy related or not because I already had anxiety before. I’m 7 weeks and don’t have my first appt for 3 weeks so I will talk to my doctor about it. I just hope I can overcome because I want to be happy!

  7. Katie says:

    Thank you! I am in week 6 of my first pregnancy and have been frantically googling ‘depression and anxiety during pregnancy’ – like so many others despite our current circumstances not being perfect this pregnancy was planned as we both desperately wanted children and came to a conclusion that there would never be a right time. Depsite initial elation I soon sank down into a spiral of fear and anxiety. Obsessing over how my work will react (just taken on huge new role) how we will cope in our current home, how we will cope financially without my income etc etc. But overall, I just feel overwhelmed with a sense of complete hopelessness and despair. Reading your brave article has given me hope that things will get better. Deep down I know it’s a wonderful gift and it will all work out but it’s hard to see when your in the midst of the fog. Thanks again for sharing and I wish you a happy and healthy life with your babies xxx

  8. Kristin says:

    It is really comforting to read about your experiences. Thank you for sharing. I’m currently 6 weeks pregnant with my second and it is completely different than my pregnancy the first time around. For one, I’m horribly nauseous and some days can barely get out of bed because I’m so tired. With my son, I remember having some nausea, but I was so happy to be pregnant I didn’t notice it. Now, even though this baby was planned, I am struggling to enjoy the things I usually do. The only thing that makes me feel better is when my son wants to cuddle before bed. That’s what I’m holding on to right now. It’s nice to know there are other women struggling with this. My first dr appointment is in a week so I plan to discuss it with my doctor. I just hope this depression lifts in the second trimester so I can start feeling as excited as I know I am deep down.

  9. Teri says:

    Thank you everyone for sharing! I’m 6weeks pregnant( planned), glad I found this page. My hole life I struggled feeling depression and high anxiety. 8 weeks ago I started to talk and deal with it all for the first time ever. The last 6 weeks have been the deepest darkest feelings I have ever felt. The feelings of “why can’t I feel happiness” and ” I won’t make it through the day” fills my day. It’s nice to hear I’m not alone. I hope it gets better soon. I wrote on my while board on the fridge ,” PRAY, LOTS OF WATER, WALK/YOGA, NO SUGAR” definitely helps. Thanks everyone.

  10. Cecelia Walker says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It makes me feel like I am not crazy for feeling the way I do. I am pregnant with my first child and the changes I am going through in the first trimester have me very depressed. I have gained 20 pounds, I have no energy, and I am very emotional (crying, upset, etc). I need to get back into the habit of exorcise as that was the only thing that made me feel better as well. I get depressed thinking that every day I wake up I will be throwing up and not feeling well. It doesn’t make you have a good outlook. I am 9 weeks today only 3 more weeks left in this trimester and I pray I get some relief. I relate to this post in so many ways and I am grateful for you sharing.

  11. Christina says:

    Like so many others said, this post is a gift to me tonight. I literally googled “depression in first trimester of pregnancy does it get better” and your post was the first thing that came up. I’m almost 8 weeks into my second pregnancy and have had that debilitating nausea for both pregnancies. But this one, wow, the depression has hit me like a semi truck. My overwhelming feeling is how will I ever get through the next 7 months?! The days seem everlasting but I am trying to focus on today only and making it through today. Knowing that others have experienced this gives me even one tiny glimmer of hope for today. Thank you for your candid honesty and creating a space to open the discussion about this. Thanks for taking away a little bit of the loneliness.

    • Lynzy says:

      Hi Christina!

      I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing this. I promise that it gets better as time progresses! If you ever need anything, please reach out to me whenever you need to! 🙂

  12. Kk says:

    Hi,
    Thank you for sharing:)
    I have gone through 3 miscarriages this past year, my first one being at almost 5 months along. I too went through a similar experience each time. Feelings of being so blessed, elated, grateful, peaceful, and then around 6 or 7 weeks this discomfort, rage, fear, wanting to run away, feeling like my life will be awful, that I will fail my child. It becomes so strong that at times I could just lie down and not move, feeling it overcome my whole body. I feel like a different person, disconnected from my heart, which is so confusing because it is normally what my heart wants so much. The added experience of recurring miscarriage does not help my fear of course.
    I feel a baby closely now again which is always such a beautiful time, I just want to feel more balanced somehow. I have never progressed through this phase in my pregnancies so that is my only experience and I have not felt that transition through it and emerging from it yet, so when I am deep in it I have little hope it will change, although as you said, I grasp onto whatever hope there is. The hardest part is that my husband is my best friend and I want to completely isolate myself and this becomes such a hard time for us, he struggles with it a lot. I will keep trying different things, meditate a lot, move in ways that feel good, lots of self-care. My love goes out to all the women going through this as I know how dark it can get, may we hold each other lovingly in these moments, know we are not alone, and find comfort in connecting and sharing xox

  13. Gem says:

    BabyCentre

    From May 2018 Birth Club

     

    Prenatal Depression

    GemWilliams · you!

    Hide original post 

    Last edited 03/10/2017

    I’ve been wanting to write this for a little while but been to afraid I suppose. I think that I have prenatal depression. I made an appt to see my GP at 11:00am today. I’m 9 weeks. Terrified but I think it’s something that I have to do. I have a history of clinical depression and during my last pregnancy 2 years ago I was prescribed Citalopram. I stopped taking them almost a year ago, purely because they were not on a repeat prescription and because of my working shifts being so erratic I couldn’t always get to my GP to order them then collect a few days later. I would end up with weeks in between.

    This baby number 2 was very much wanted and planned. I discussed my history of depression with my midwife at my booking appt and she advised me to go back to my GP and ask to be prescribed some meds again if I felt like I was going down a similar road. That was almost a month ago. 

    Now for the past 3 weeks I’ve had the most awful time. 3 weeks off work with a chest infection. Prescribed antibiotics then steroids, still wouldn’t go. Felt awful. Then all of a sudden started with nausea and vomiting which is totally new to me. Didn’t have a day of sickness with my son. Over the last week I’ve been feeling lower and lower. No joy, no happiness. Just total and utter dread about having a second baby. I feel like a black cloud has descended upon me. I feel like my bond with my son has suddenly been broken and I can’t look after him. I feel like the world’s worst mother and I don’t deserve children. I can’t sleep. Literally having panic attacks at nighttime. When I do sleep I’m plagued by nightmares. Last night I had 2 hours of deep sleep. Woke up in tears from a nightmare that I had hit my son. Cried so much that I couldn’t sleep and saw the sun come up. 

    I’ve tried to pass this off as hormones but I think it’s a bit more than that? I remember crying a lot in my first trimester last pregnancy. I remember it as being very bleak and crying a lot. Being quite confused. Then my mood lifting into the second trimester. But back then I was taking antidepressants. 

    I’m terrified of what will happen with work. Yesterday was my first day back after 3 weeks. I felt on the verge of tears all day and knew that I would need to see my GP. I don’t have a mum or sisters or anything, therefore, tried to confide in one of my managers. I told her that I would like some time to see my GP because I was afraid that I’m suffering prenatal depression and she laughed and me and told me that it doesn’t even exist. She said pregnancy is the happiest time of your life and she should know, she has 3 sons.  Well I felt as small as my thumb and spent my entire lunch break in tears in the toilet. Surely it does exist. My midwife said that I was at risk of it. 

    I’ve actually been talking to my husband about a termination just to make these feelings stop. As I said previously this baby was very much wanted and planned. I wouldn’t be saying that in my normal frame of mind. Praying this will lift xx

    • J.L. says:

      Hang in there, Gem. Prenatal depression is absolutely real and your coworker should not have laughed at you for it just because she never experienced it herself. She probably just doesn’t know it exists. I am 10 weeks and can hardly get up in the morning from feelings of sadness and dread, not to mention the nausea, fatigue, headaches, and constantly upset stomach. I have a toddler also so I’m so guilty that during the week I’m working a demanding job and on the nights and weekends all I have the energy to do is lay on the couch. A good friend of mine just went through the same thing and hers lifted around 16-18 weeks so I’m just hoping for that. The advice in this article really helps – try to find a glimmer of hope or something you enjoy each day even if it is super small. I’m trying to not feel guilty and just be kind to myself to get through this. Be strong!

  14. Janelle says:

    I am about 8 weeks along and the last 3 weeks hit me like a ton of bricks. My pregnancy was planned, my husband and I were very excited and then around 5-6 weeks I started feeling constant nausea but never throwing up. It came right along with the most crippling sadness I’ve ever felt. I found myself laying in bed all day and sleeping as much as possible. My husband tried to comfort me and I feel so guilty I just start sobbing. He has been amazing. Working full time, doing our laundry and cleaning the house. I am usually so clean and so good about house work but I cannot make myself do anything. I feel worthless and lazy. I have major guilt because my 7 year old daughter will have to share my attention in the near future and I want to enjoy my last few months of her being and only child but all I can manage is to try not crying in front of her. I’m not a very good mommy right now. Last week was so bad for me that I had decided to call and ask my doctor for antidepressants this morning. Upon time to call I got so anxious and feel so guilty that I could be doing something to hurt this baby long term I could go through with it and never called. I tell myself I only have to suffer through 7 months but this person could be altered forever by my weakness. I don’t know what to do but I am so grateful to read other people feeling the same way. I’m trying to hold out hope that this stops in my second trimester.

  15. Lindsay says:

    After reading your article, and all of the above comments, I feel so much better. I am not alone!!!! Thank you!!! I googled “depression in 1st trimester” and found this. Thank you for this post! I am 7 wks pregnant with my second- it was planned and we were over the moon, but I don’t remember ever feeling like this when I was pregnant with my first. Maybe two weeks ago I started to feel different- nausea, sadness, exhaustion, crying, distracted at work, disinterested, disengaged, unhappy feeling- really strange for me because I have never felt this way before. I have a wonderful, yet stressful job, an amazingly supportive and engaged husband, and a beautiful healthy & happy toddler. I shouldn’t feel this way. I know that I am blessed. But the truth is that I feel desperate- like a dark cloud is hovering over me. I am not sleeping well, I feel unmotivated & lazy, I have nightmares, and I toss and turn at night with worry about the health of this pregnancy. I am counting the days until my fist OB appt in a few wks to confirm healthy baby- hoping that will ease some of my anxiety and sadness. But I am so happy & relieved to hear that many find that depression lifts in 2nd trimester. Thank you for this, it is very encouraging. If this platform helped me, then it has helped so many others to feel a little less alone during this hormonal & emotional time. If I don’t feel better in the next few months, I will definitely be seeking help, and others should too- there is nothing to be ashamed of. This post & comment thread shows that none of us are “the only one” feeling this way. We need to stop the stigma around mental illness and depression. Do not suffer in silence. Thank you again!!!

  16. Sad soul says:

    Thank you for this post. It’s so nice to see so many of us out there. It’s my first and I don’t think I thought it through. I’m 12 weeks and still can’t feel any connection with the baby. People call it being a magical divine feeling, I literally am failing to look at it that way. Last 2 months have been the worst of my life. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t workout, i don’t feel like talking to anyone, I’m losing the ability to be happy. At the moment happiness seems to be a distant memory, and I’m not even sure if this will change to something positive ever. It’s just a very very strange time and I’m losing myself in it 🙁

  17. DIANA says:

    Thank you for this article. I’m currently 6 weeks and had a bad cold for a week. Today, I didn’t want to get out of bed and had thoughts of feeling incapable of taking care of another human being if I, myself can’t even get out of bed. In September, I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks 4 days. I was on effexor for at least 9 years for anxiety and depression…it worked wonders but have been off it for 2 months. I so badly want to just go back on it but don’t want to harm the baby. I am luckily off work for xmas break and can just lay around but I don’t have any motivation to do anything. Praying we all get through these feelings of depression together.

  18. Fiona Young says:

    So glad to come across your blog. I’m 6 weeks and 3 days and have just been so depressed since becoming pregnant. I’ve been crying all the time, and just feeling very empty and a bit lost, nothing is giving me enjoyment, apart from exercise its my only time out, I feel normal then then it starts straight back up again afterwards. I’m very glad to hear it might lift in the second trimester, I’ve been thinking there is something wrong with me, we were so excited when we found out and I’ve just felt awful since. We’ve been arguing also which hasn’t helped but I think that is because I’ve been hard work to be honest but only because I have no control over my hormones and moods its been just terrible! We had a good chat last night so I’m hoping things feel a bit better now, I just feel very alone even though I’m not ever does that make any sense? Its a really horrible feeling and I can’t wait for it to go away!! Thank you so much for writing this up, I feel a whole load better. xxx

  19. Carissa says:

    Thank you for this . I stumbled upon this article while googling depression during pregnancy . I already suffer from ptsd and went through a year and a half of severe dissociation and depression . I am pregnant with my first child and the depression is out of control . I’m feeling suicidal and I’m very afraid of post pardom depression. That part u wrote about that tiny hint of hope helped me because I would always tell myself that when I was very sick , I’d say I haven’t lost myself completely, I still have that 1% of hope and I survived . Thank you for sharing your story . You’re amazing

  20. Dazzle says:

    I too wanted to become pregnant for years and when it finally happened it was exciting gor the first week or two then i hit 6 weeks pregnant and it was like the world was stacked against me. We made too much to qualify for insurance help or medicaid but too little to pay for it on our own. Couple that with finding out 5 days after insurance enrollment period ends it was suddenly a strain.
    Then the depression not sadness just not feeling anything set in. I feel almost like i cant mention it or complain because i should be so happy. I finally had to say something to ny husband but now feel even worse and almost ungrateful to of said something. I just pray it goes away as im just past halfway through my 1st trimester. God help me, i just wanna be happy!

  21. Mj says:

    This is exactly how I’m feeling with my 3rd pregnancy right now. Some days I’ll feel somewhat okay, but the nausea makes my what I guess is feelings of depression worst. I’m 7 weeks and it’s just been awful. I feel like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel some days. It feels totally different on an emotional scale from my last two pregnancies. I’m really glad to have read this story and it makes me feel a lot less alone. I’m just waiting for the day I feel like myself again, that’s been the hardest for me, not feeling like me.

  22. Rl says:

    Thank you. I really thought I was all alone. This is my third pregnancy and I have never had emotions or lack thereof like this in my life. The constant crying, irritable, no motivation for anything. I have a 2 and 3 yr old and really want to be a good mom again. I’m 8 weeks along and I’m hoping the light is at the end of the tunnel. Weird that I have never heard of depression during pregnancy, but obviously it exists. Thanks again to all of you.

  23. Raj says:

    I’m hoping there’s been some relief for the majority of ladies commenting on the forum? I’m 8 weeks pregnant and never felt worse. The nausea has been crippling though I coped last time, this time I certainly have depression on top, feeling helpless and daunted by the thought of another child when my eldest is 18. Being an older mum I fear being too tired to give my full attention to a baby.

  24. Monika says:

    Hello ladies…I am 8 weeks pregnant and I feel so bad as I can relate to other posts..initially I was feeling I am the one alone and whatever happening to me is not good..I am feeling so depressed…unhappy…nauseous…sad…weak…stressed…and feel like my life has stopped…there is no hope..I have a fear that whether this will stop or continue

  25. Jessica says:

    Hi ladies,

    Thank you so much for your honesty, bravery, and personal stories. As I read each comment, I am sobbing. I am 9.5 weeks with my first pregnancy, and have felt so lonely and unrelatable. It wasn’t until tonight that I realized just how deep these feelings run. I feel blindsided by these first trimester symptoms. I have been so sick since week 6; awful nausea, vomiting, fatigue, many food aversions. I cannot eat, and I barely feel human. I am miserable. I have no interest in anything. On a daily basis, I am conflicted by feelings of, “why am I this sad?” And “do I really want this?” This baby was planned, but I am struggling with celebrating this miracle. Everyday feels like a struggle, and I am in survival mode. I am hopeful that my situation will improve, and I am grateful for reading this thread.

  26. MHE says:

    Is anxiety curable? I’ve been getting treatment for years and I still get bad symtoms
    sometimes. I would appreciate any insight you can provide.

  27. Ranjini says:

    Hello ladies, It’s heartbreaking to read all your struggles yet gives me some hope that there are women who are going through it all for bringing a life to this world. Kudos to your bravery!
    My sister-in-law is 10 weeks pregnant. At her 4th week of pregnancy she had all the symptoms of antenatal depression. She has been on antidepressants as her condition is quite crippling – she is unable to carry out her daily activities plus flooded with recurrent suicidal thoughts. We have consulted gynae, psychiatrist, psychologists and yet her condition doesn’t seem to improve. Considering she was more than excited to get pregnant, it’s gut-wrenching to see her suffer every single moment. She is spiraling down in her depression and now pleads for abortion. We are in a fix. Is there hope at all?

  28. lynn says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this post. I have had a similar trajectory, 1st pregnancy pretty smooth sailing, 2nd was tough and now I am in my 1st trimester with my 3rd and feel utterly useless and unable to find joy. On top of that I’m down on myself for feeling this way when I have so many wonderful things in my life. At first the nausea seemed to be the worse part but now I think it’s my emotional state, I just feel blah, no happiness, no crying just empty. With my second child I had similar feelings in the first trimester and it did get better in the second trimester. I wish all the moms struggling through this some peace and hope that this is temporary and we will get to the other side of it.

  29. Ava says:

    Too down to write much but thank you all for sharing. It means the world to me. 7 weeks and in the deepest depression. Anxiety, nausea so bad I can barely swallow and could sleep 16 hours a day if I didn’t have my 7yo. Waiting for the light but hopeless that it’ll ever come.

  30. Vicky says:

    Wow, this is exactly what I have been looking for. I thought for sure something was wrong with me for feeling this way. My SO and I have been trying to get pregnant for 6 months now. We got a positive test, and I know I should be celebrating but I feel so sad. I cannot help to feel empty and hollow. Getting up in the morning and facing the day seems impossible. I feel like I could stay in bed all day. My SO told me the other day that he has never seen this side of me. I feel like I cannot explain to him truly how I feel. It is so great to have a community here where women can discuss this.

    Thank you!

  31. Megha says:

    I’m in my 6 th week and this is my third pregnancy. I am feeling so depressed that I feel it’s unwanted baby. I keep telling this to my husband and feels nothing good left for me in life. Even I am scared that I cannot handle this pregnancy like last two.

  32. Anne says:

    I so appreciate everyone sharing their feelings. I am pregnant with my second and am struggling daily. I feel so down and then feel so guilty for feeling down. I’m praying for relief in the second trimester.

  33. Charlotte says:

    Thank you so much for this, this gives me
    Hope and also I feel like I am not alone in this. I am 8 weeks with my first pregancy and didn’t know what to expect. My partner left me 4 days before I found out I was pregnant and I am still on my own. I feel like that is the reason why my mood is so low , this baby was planned and in my heart I am so so happy, but this low mood is just blocking me from enjoying my pregancy. I feel guilty and I hope it is not going to affect the baby in any way. I just never imagined going through with on my own with no partner x

  34. Kate says:

    I feel like this at the moment. I’m 10 weeks with my first child, very much planned and wanted, but have had morning sickness since 7 weeks which has triggered major anxiety and depression. I can barely get out of bed some days, crying every day, reading news articles about people who died my first thought is “I wish that was me”. I haven’t been able to work for the past six days because the thought of going to work makes me so anxious. I was already taking antidepressants and have been told to increase the dosage but I don’t think it’s kicked in yet.

  35. kaise kare says:

    I always feel my self too lazy but when i see my books infornt of me i think that today i will do some study but after some time my head is paining and i sleep so what should i do to preparemy self for studies

  36. Sarah says:

    You described what I’m feeling perfectly. I’m sicker than ever and more down than ever. This is my third and we prayed for this baby. My husband is frustrated but trying to be patient with his completely different wife! I’m embarrassed to see people because normally I am the cheerful one and bring others up. I feel isolated and lonely in this. I’m 11 weeks. Thank you for sharing. The hope of the second trimester setting me in a better mental place is my hope. I feel like I’m just buckling down for the next few weeks.

  37. Kem says:

    On my 8 week first baby and no one ever prepared me for this, the extreme constipation,every smell is disgusting can only stomach things I crave to eat which most of the time are extremely out of reach, as for energy if I manage to leave my bed and shower I had a good day…I work casual and can’t be bothered to pick shifts.,….Still on the can’t tell anyone about it phase so I can only talk to my partner, at first I felt like I’m just complaining too much with the depression thing but after finding these sent the screenshots already it’s real…

    • Natalie says:

      This is exactly how I feel – i’m about 6 weeks along with my first baby and I just feel exhausted, mopey, unmotivated, sad, irritable, and my nausea is nearly constant. I’m not sleeping well, I’m waking up feeling panicky, and i feel like my life is over. i feel disgusting and it is so hard to eat well because everything makes me feel sick. i can’t even bring myself to go outside for walks and i’m behind on my school project. thank goodness it is flexible but i just don’t care about anything. i don’t feel connected to my growing baby, i just feel bloated and gross. thanks for listening, this has helped.

  38. Ari says:

    it’s shame more husbands aren’t reading this and posting.

    my own wife is getting hammered by everything you’ve written about: nausea, depression, fatigue, weakness, vomiting and more. in our case, we had a series of miscarriages and then, years later, an IVF treatment for this pregnancy. the baby is developing well but my wife is unrecognizable: her personality has changed; she’s impatient and angry frequently, perhaps because of the hormones that i’m injecting her with twice a day; we have little to no affection or intimacy; she cannot tolerate much touching of any kind; she sleeps in a different room; much of what i say or do is misunderstood even though i’m trying like mad to be there for her and do what needs to be done for us.

    i feel like i’ve lost my wife. i don’t mean that jokingly. i am, actually, mourning the loss of the relationship i used to have with her up until about a month ago when the morning sickness began. i used to have a life partner, but she is unable to show up for that right now. it’s too hard. and i get that. but it’s important for other men to know that this stuff happens. i’ve found it incredibly disorienting, emotionally challenging, and downright maddening. and the one person i want to share this with and process with CANNOT do so. she is physically, emotionally unable to do so.

    men need to find a way to find, build and use their own support system during this time as well. otherwise, we can end up making the problem worse, which i feel that i’ve done through no fault of my own.

  39. Shannon says:

    I feel so much better after reading this and knowing I’m not alone. I am 5 weeks pregnant with my first, and I have never felt so sad in my life. I have a loving husband and family, and we just moved into our first house, so everything is perfect on paper. I have never struggled with depression in the past, but now I feel completely unmotivated, calloused, sad, crying constantly, and when my husband excitedly talks about parenthood, I shut down. I didn’t expect to feel this way at all. I thought I would be glowing and feel fulfilled as a woman. But I feel like a self conscious failure that is already letting my family down. I hope the fog lifts soon because I’m usually a really happy person. I don’t know who this version of me is, and I feel like my husband is discouraged that I’m not as excited as he is. Hoping for a better second trimester.

  40. Gill says:

    Glad I found this article because I feel so alone, currently 9 weeks pregnant, first pregnancy so excited first 6 weeks, but now I’m depressed out of nowhere, sleepless nights, nauseated all the time and just feeling like a failure, falling out with people at work, worried all the time.

    I wasn’t prepared for this as I’d imagined pregnancy to be so different! I should be happy as we have so much to look forward to getting married just after the baby is born, but all of a sudden I’m worried about money, my security at work with hours decreasing on a 0 hour contact so not looking good for maternity pay and was in the middle of looking for a house to buy with my fiancé and not stuck in a one bed flat. His family don’t care, won’t be attending the wedding and haven’t even bothered to bat an eyelid at the news of his moms very first grandchild, niece/nephew.. for no good reason other than pride and selfishness.

    I just thought I would be able to provide so much more for our family and I’m usually so much more positive and proactive x

  41. Alex says:

    I feel like I don’t even have a right to be posting here because to start with, I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be a mother. My partner and I have been together 8 years and he always told me he wanted at least one child. I never felt that way but I always thought my mind would change as I got older. Well, older came (32) and not much has changed. It was a deal breaker for our relationship and I almost thought I would have to walk away because of my feelings about a child but ultimately, I couldn’t leave my soulmate. With that said, we started trying to have a baby. After two years, nothing. We even started dabbling with a fertility specialist. We didn’t get far before I started getting really freaked out so we stopped trying in January. Then boom, pregnant in March. I had just started wrapping my head around being ok with the pregnancy – we are very financially stable, I know he will be a wonderful father…not to mention he is very supportive of my depression (pre-pregnancy). Well, the next boom – TWINS. I am totally lost. I feel like the universe is trying to sabotage me. Aside from being so scared and unhappy about twins, I had to stop my antidepressants and I am in a really bad place. Let’s not forget the regular pregnancy crap of being nauseated all of the time, having no appetite for anything…I’m totally and completely miserable. I’m 12 weeks and I cannot crawl out of this hole. I don’t even have the ability to fall back on “eventually, it will be the thing you hoped and prayed for”, the thing most women who get pregnant and can’t wait to be a mother say. I don’t know if I’ll ever see that light at the end of tunnel.

    • Nadia says:

      My dear, I don’t know you but I know you are a fighter. While I haven’t reached that moment of relief in my first trimester, I know that you will having come so far already. We’re all in this together. Remember that.

    • Rachael McDonald says:

      I am 12 weeks as well and thought that my symptoms should be getting better but they seem to have just started in the last few weeks. I have only had one episode of anxiety/depression about a year ago that really sucked the life out of me. I was on Prozac but got off a few months before getting pregnant. Although I did want this pregnancy I feel all the same things you do. I have a great life and wonderful partner but now I am so scared to be a mom and don’t know if I am ready. I guess I feel that way because I can’t imagine feeling this way and taking care of a kid when I barely can keep it together for work. I am sure adding the Twin factor in is even more scary for you. I have talked to my doctor about how I feel and if all else fails, they will allow you to go back on your antidepressant. For you, I think that you can hold on to the fact that instincts and natural maternal love will kick in once you have your twins and that you wouldn’t want life any other way. I know that is so easy to say and so hard to feel because I can’t even feel that for myself. But just reading everyone’s posts here, it seems so common to have all these worries regardless of if the baby was planned or not. At 12 weeks it is still early and so I keep telling myself to not feel guilty about not feeling what I thought I would so I give you that same advice. You have many months to have your mood improve, your desire to mother, and your joy to come to you. Hang in there.

  42. Nadia says:

    Hi everyone,

    What a source of comfort this sharing is. I am 7 weeks along, and so paralyzed in my sadness and shock of nausea and vomiting (multiple times a day), along with super strong smell sensitivity and tiredness. I feel stuck in molasses and unable to move or do anything remotely functional. I had a miscarriage last year so am afraid my suffering right now might affect things, but I talk to baby letting it know mama is trying to adjust and wants you to be here.

    Any advice on coping with work when in this dark place?

  43. Georgie says:

    9 weeks today and feeling so awful I have barely been able to get out of bed for the past 3 weeks. It definitely helps to learn my thoughts and feelings are somewhat natural. Would love to read more about woman that have reached the other side, and when it happened for them. I’ve heard that often after 12 weeks hormones balance out, but I know this isn’t always the case! Not sure I can cope with feeling like this for 9 months… Sending you all lots of love xxx

    • Sally morlidge says:

      Hi Georgie, I’m 7 weeks and have had the nausea and exhaustion symptoms for a few weeks already (although I can tell that they are getting worse). What I’m struggling with most is the feeling of dread, depression, the overwhelming feeling that nobody understands and that I look ridiculous (I fear people are just ignoring me because they put all my feelings down to hormones).
      I was interested in what you said about not being able to get out of bed for 3 weeks? Is this the mental or physical side of it? I have had the flu the past week so have had to rest alot, I’m not sure being isolated in my house with just my thoughts for company is helping! X

    • GEORGIE says:

      Hello,

      I just wanted to come on here to tell anyone reading this, that I had my baby boy and he is now 20 weeks old. the nerves, anxiety and dread certainly did reduce the further into pregnancy I was, but i still had occasional bouts of depression throughout. But the SECOND my baby was born, I can’t begin to tell you the love and joy I felt. People say it all the time, but it really is true – it is the most magical feeling in the world.
      I had a pretty bad labour (who doesn’t?!) but immediately afterwards, it felt like all the fear, pain and dread was completely worth it and I would have done it all over again!
      Hang in there girls, it will all work out in the end. You’ll soon see… 🙂 xx

  44. Julia Roberts says:

    Hey, is good I inform all the men and guys out there that sometime we all make mistake in our relationship and made our relationship to be broken and is also our responsibility to make it work by seeking for solution to it, I’m very happy today to tell you little of my relationship problem, i cheated once on my wife and she caught me and she was ready to end our marriage because i truly love her i quickly seek for solution to stop her that is when i came across Dr Mack who has help so many people restore their broken marriage and relationship i also contact him today my marriage is restored, I’m going to drop his contact so that does having the same issues can contact him for solution on (dr_mack @ Yahoo. com).

  45. Megan Arnold says:

    Thank you so much for this artiCle!. I have never STRUGGLED With depression until now (i am 8 weeks along) and i totally related to what you said about “constant thoughts of fear and darkness for no reason at all.” I am hoping for better days in the 2nd and 3rd tRImester, thanks To your words! You give a lot of Struggling Pregnant mamas hope! God bless!

  46. Courtney says:

    Thank you so much for this, its good to know your not alone, its really Really hard to battLe depression in pregnancy, you Know you should be thrilled & celebrating but when you are hOrribly sick and feel like your fAiling your other child/children, i spend each day jyst trying to get through and praying to Get to the 2nd trimester and feel better. One day at a time is all we can do i guess, trust and use your support systems & keep picturing a healthy baby in the end ☺️

  47. Jackie says:

    Thank you for writing your story, it helps to know im not alone. I just haD my first 5 months ago (Was a pretty traumatizing L&D) and got the shock a few weeks back that im pregnant agAin. A huge shock, i have been pretty depressed since i found out. I am about 7 weeks Now and have even looked into abortion. I have that glimmer you speak of, hope that it will get better and that i will love this baby like i love my first. I makes me feel terribly guilty that i have thought of abortion so mUch when some women Battle feRtiLity, my first sign of when i realized i need to talk to someone. I feel like im on the verge of a mental breakDown and when i talk to my Husband he got so angry at me. I feel very alone.

    • Ashley says:

      PLease dont feel alone. last night i thought i was going to have a mental breakdown. i literally was not in a good place. youre doing great Jackie. dont feel bad about wanting as abortion – its just another complex emotion that comes and goes in this wild ride of pregnancy. its easy for me to say because right now i feel okay even though i am loking for support and im online. i didnt think it was going to be so rough. i thought everything was going to be flowers and unicorns. i guess we will get to the other side one minute one day at a time

  48. Ariana says:

    So glad i found this post! I follow you on IG but had no idea you struggled with this. I am pregnant, first trimester, and feeling so Depressed! I hate it. But im so glad to hear its normal. Thank you for sharing!

  49. Tara says:

    Hi,
    Nice read specially since I’m feeling down. I have a 4yr old which we planned and we adore. As he is getting older I Started to get baby fever so we tired and it happened. I’m 2 1/2months in. At first I felt great thought I was lucky not to get morning sickness ( so much for that) my partner is omg super supportive I get to lay around alday with no pleasure he takes care of me real well but sometimes I feel like I complain to him too much ,he listens but I feel like he’s tired of hearing me I have my sister ( BESTFRIend) lately she’s M.I.A and I don’t want to bother her. Maybe it’s just me and over thinking. Anywho every time I vomit I would get into this ugly place where by I just wish I wasn’t pregnant for God sake I was just googling how to have an abortion (I don’t want to lose my baby ) but that’s how ugly I get. Then I came across your link I just FEEL……Ugh I’m ready to meet my maker

  50. Shae says:

    this has giving me life. I’m pregnant with my first at 5 weeks and the last few days i cry so uncontrollably. i mean, sit in the floor and sob. i would always become a little blue before my period but this is like pms on steroids. what is the worst part is that i feel *bad* for feeling this way. i’m 31 years old, on my birthday this year i had told my fiance how worried i was that i would never have a child of my own (i have 3 step children who are all teenagers). a few weeks later i took a test and found out i was pregnant, which was also a complete surprise since my fiance had a vasectomy 15 years ago. this mixture of emotion is overwhelming and i honestly don’t know how to get through it. i don’t want to tell family until i’ve reached the end of the first trimester, but i feel so alone. reading the thoughts of every one else on here who has experienced the like in their first trimester has helped. i just want to be excited. did i mention we’re expecting a grandchild in november?!?! the struggle is so real for this momma right now. best wishes to everyone

  51. Katie says:

    I can Completley relate to all of this as i am in the first trimester and am Feeling Very low, its a terrible feeling. I had these sypmtoms with my 2nd pregnancy also, i hope all moms who go through this know they aren’t alone and its a tough thing to go through.

  52. KrIsten says:

    Thanks for sharing! This helps with this lonely feeling and is incredibly inspiring. Im heading into my 10th week and have been nauseous, tired, ans sad for a month now. I Simply feel hopeless and cannot embrace this amazing blessing. Im Praying for a coMplete tuen for the better During my second trimeSter.

  53. Amanda says:

    Thank you so much for thIs! Ive never felt more sad and stessed in my life & i felt completely fine (if not better than normal) with my first. This post is my glimmer!

  54. Katherine says:

    Thank you for sharing. I’m in my first trimester with my third child and I’m struggling with depression. Didn’t have this with my previous pregnancies, although I had postpartum anxiety with my second. It is hell… especially being in nursing school and having to force myself to show up for clinical/class and study. I desperately hope that this feeling lifts once I enter into the second trimester… not sure how long I can continue like this

  55. Crystal says:

    I’m 9 weeks PREGNANT and The feeling is so unreal right now. All i want to do is sleep and not come out my room. I’ve been getting headaches, feeling nauseous, and there hasn’t been any VOMITING. My other two pregnancy i didn’t feel so depressed. Thank you for being so open.

  56. Sthe says:

    Hi, thank you for sharing your experience, I Am in 1st trimester and I am ready to chop anyone who dares to speak to me, I am so glad to know that it is passing moment

  57. Malinche says:

    I am in my first trimester and I feel depressed and get sad for no reason. It usually goes away at night when it starts getting dark for some reason. I live with my husband and two kids we have a good relationship so I’m guessing it’s a hormonal thing.

  58. Billy-Rae Markie says:

    Hi LYNZY, am I able to email you?

  59. Sadia says:

    This has toucHed me in so many ways.
    Right now i am 7.5 weeks pregnant with my 3rd baby. I have Been throwing up so mucb i cant even stand upright. I have also fallen into a deep depression of hopelessness. I am really hoping and praying that these symptoms easE by the time i get into my 2nd trimester. I Also feel like some Phyical activity would help but i can not find the strength to actually get up and do household chores let alone anything else.
    I appreciate you coming out and talking about this, im sUre lots of women go through it but have a hard time talking about it.

  60. Kiran says:

    I am going through this right now.its so hard ????it’s my 3rd baby and I’m at 9 weeks.im in SUCH a dark place right NOW.each day seems to last forever and I feel incapable of taking care of my other two kids.every little thing feels like such a chore.i want to drown in my grief.but what am I GRIEVIng exactly? I dont even know.i don’t remember feeling this kind of despair in my previous pregnancies.its such a horrid and isolated feeling.i feel so so alone

  61. Krystal says:

    This post was so important and poignant. I am 8 weeks pregnant and have struggled with intense depression ever since reading that positive test. The pregnancy was unplanned, however my husband and I have been so incredibly blessed financially and have amazing familial support. For some reason, I just can’t kick this intense cloud that is over me all day, every day. Interestingly, the anxiety problems I had my entire life up until pregnancy are gone & they have been replaced with this depression. I feel grateful not to be dealing with anxiety anymore, but having it be replaced with depression has been so hard. I just hate feeling as though I have no control over the way I feel or react to things. I’m hoping and praying that this depression passes after the first trimester so that I can go back to ENJOYING my life.

  62. Laura says:

    This is everything for me right now. Im 10 weeks And have been struggling in a way i never knew I could. My First pregnancy was a dream and with this second pregnancy all i feel is sad, guilty, anxious, OVERWHELMED, And worried. I hate not feeling like myself. I sincerely hope and have faith that in a few more weeks my HORMONES will even out and i will come out of this dark Fog. Until then i will keep reading this. Thank you

  63. Erin says:

    Despite being on medication and weekly therapy seSsions, i feel completely hopeless and sImply depressed. I Wake up waiting to get in bed again. Im 10w and i No longer have hope that this will get better. thanks for your post.

  64. Brittany harris says:

    Wow, this describes what im dealing with right now. This is my second pregnancy, i have horrible nausea all day it even wakes me up at night. Im barely able to eat, and when I do im not satisfied. The depression however.. its Rough, i honestly feel like i have something weighing me down everyday. And i dont understand because its a miracle i was even able to have another child due to horrible endometriosis. I cry alot.. i feel like its never going to leave. I just keep hoping that the next day brings a better day. Thank you so much for sharing.

  65. Emmy says:

    i’m in my first trimester now with my third baby, and unlike my first two pregnancies i am overwhelmed with low Thoughts. I aM Also struggling with a constant Feeling of sickness. Having wanted this baby for so lOng i am COMPLETELY confused bY My sad and hopElEss feelinGs. I’ve never known or heard about anyone ever feeling depressed during pregnancy before, so i am so grateful that you took the time to share Your experience. I am at least a little more hopeful that these feelings will pass in the next few weeks. Thank you

  66. Marcella Danik says:

    Hello I am so glad i read this post. I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year even started clomid to help me ovulate and with taking that just one month i got pregnant. I am 5 weeks and the first 3 days after i found out i was excited and than all of a sudden i cant stop crying and i am super anxious on top of the queasiness.. I am having such irrational thoughts about this whole thing..

  67. Daniela says:

    Thanks for replying tO my msg. I am 35 years old, a clinical psychologist in academic psychiatry and just had my baby 6 months ago. I developed depression and right away reached out to a friend PSYCHIATRIST and got started on sertraline. I would like to have another baby in the future but i am terrifieD of going THROUGH this again! I think PPD is just MDD but we know the cause behind it, and once we have been through an EPISODE we are more likely to experience another one, two episodes increase the Risk even more and so on (with or without being pregnant). How were you able to move forward to try again, and again, and again?

  68. Kirsty says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this, you shared this post on Instagram today and it came at the right time.
    Im in my first trimester and thinking I am the only depressed pregnant lady, what’s wrong with me.
    Haven’t told anyone cos so many people around me can’t have children and here I am pregnant and depressed. It’s been the hardest 2 months of debilitating sickness.
    Anyways, I’m glad the first trimester is almost over!

  69. MarcY says:

    Im 6 weeks pregnant, quarantined from this corona virus and my horMones are everywHere. Ive been uPset, not wanting to talk to even family. I wake Up and i’m still tired. Throughout the day I get tired from being so tired. It nauseates me to be home and not be able to go out. This social distancing is taking a toll on me. I dont know how to just be home and eNjoy the moment. Each day i feel more and more frustrated ot be home. I am usuAlly working, exercising and social. All of this changed with this quarantine. Im feeling claustrophobic and Unhappy.

  70. Whitney says:

    if you don’t read all of this… if you are currently experiencing morning sickness or Dysgeusia (constant bad taste in mouth). I beg you to try magnesium oil topically. it was a miracle for helping my morning sickness and Dysgeusia. I also hear P5p form of B6 can help.

    Also, if you experience Post-Partum depression … there are options. Look up post-Partum Depression and Pope John Paul the 6th institute (or NAPRO). Also, There is a new Post-Partum Depression Drug (Zulresso) that could be an option. After my 3rd son, I found increasing my FeRritin levels and cutting out Milk to do wonders. With that, I am just saying there could be nutritional issues impacting you.

    I am happy to come across this. It gives me hope for my current situation. I am currently on my 4th pregnancy. I am pregnant with twins. I had post-partum Depression/Anxiety/ocd and insomnia after my 2nd and 3rd sons. this that i am experiencing right now in my first trimester of my 4th is worse than all of those. i have desired to be dead and desired think of ways to kill myself, i have prayed for miscarriage, i have desired abortion … it is a terrible terrible dark hole that i know is chemical/hormonal.. but even still, it is hell. it is hard when i tell people what is going on, they say “of course your depressed and anxious, your pregnant with twins”. this really minimizes what i am going through. I want to say … look people … it is not just my opinion about being pregnant with twins. I have a serious imbalance in my body that shades every moment. Things don’t look the same, things don’t taste the same, my brain can barely stay focused on a task, caring for my children is very difficult… I have about no enjoyment in anything. I spend most of my day obsessed about one thing (things usually revolving around my sleep and health).

    it wasn’t until i thought about my previous pregnancies that i realized that I had some form of first trimester depression with at least two of my pregnancies. I was not happy to be pregnant with my second son and desired an abortion. my third son, I projected my sour stomach and nasty taste in my mouth (Dysgeusia) onto the endless fields of soy and corn we were driving through on a road trip at the time. I could not stand the thought of eating any processed food with soy or corn. we picked blue berries … i could not eat them for a long time (past first trimester) because my association with my sour stomach and Dysgeusia. This pregnancy, i can’t stand the idea of bramuda grass. When this episode started, I went to neighborhood with bramuda grass. I don’t have any morning sickness or Dysgeusia this time. As I think about it, during my first pregnancy, I associated my Dysgeusia with calavacitas I had eaten at a restaurant around that time. Anyway … it maybe be that I was experiencing some form of first trimester depression that was causing me to have those feelings about certain things.

    Now, I can eat food with soy and corn in it and I can think of the Midwest without cringing. However, I still can not bring myself to eat those Calavacitas (nor even go to that restaurant). And the thought of those blueberries are still disgusting.

    I love all my beautiful children. I pray and Hope I will feel the same about these new ones. BTW … sterilizing myself/Husband after this.

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